/datum/event/mundane_news endWhen = 10 /datum/event/mundane_news/announce() var/datum/trade_destination/affected_dest = pickweight(GLOB.weighted_mundaneevent_locations) var/event_type = 0 if(affected_dest.viable_mundane_events.len) event_type = pick(affected_dest.viable_mundane_events) if(!event_type) return var/author = "Tau Ceti Daily" var/channel = author //see if our location has custom event info for this event var/body = affected_dest.get_custom_eventstring() if(!body) body = "" switch(event_type) if(RESEARCH_BREAKTHROUGH) body = "A major breakthough in the field of [pick("phoron research","super-compressed materials","nano-augmentation","bluespace research","volatile power manipulation")] \ was announced [pick("yesterday","a few days ago","last week","earlier this month")] by a private firm on [affected_dest.name]. \ [SSatlas.current_map.company_name] declined to comment as to whether this could impinge on profits." if(ELECTION) body = "The pre-selection of an additional candidates was announced for the upcoming [pick("supervisors council","advisory board","governership","board of inquisitors")] \ election on [affected_dest.name] was announced earlier today, \ [pick("media mogul","web celebrity", "industry titan", "superstar", "famed chef", "popular gardener", "ex-army officer", "multi-billionaire")] \ [random_name(pick(MALE,FEMALE))]. In a statement to the media they said '[pick("My only goal is to help the [pick("sick","poor","children")]",\ "I will maintain my company's record profits","I believe in our future","We must return to our moral core","Just like... chill out dudes")]'." if(RESIGNATION) body = "[SSatlas.current_map.company_name] regretfully announces the resignation of [pick("Sector Admiral","Division Admiral","Ship Admiral","Vice Admiral")] [random_name(pick(MALE,FEMALE))]." if(prob(25)) var/locstring = pick("Segunda","Salusa","Cepheus","Andromeda","Gruis","Corona","Aquila","Asellus") + " " + pick("I","II","III","IV","V","VI","VII","VIII") body += " In a ceremony on [affected_dest.name] this afternoon, they will be awarded the \ [pick("Red Star of Sacrifice","Purple Heart of Heroism","Blue Eagle of Loyalty","Green Lion of Ingenuity")] for " if(prob(33)) body += "their actions at the Battle of [pick(locstring,"REDACTED")]." else if(prob(50)) body += "their contribution to the colony of [locstring]." else body += "their loyal service over the years." else if(prob(33)) body += " They are expected to settle down in [affected_dest.name], where they have been granted a handsome pension." else if(prob(50)) body += " The news was broken on [affected_dest.name] earlier today, where they cited reasons of '[pick("health","family","REDACTED")]'" else body += " Administration Aerospace wishes them the best of luck in their retirement ceremony on [affected_dest.name]." if(CELEBRITY_DEATH) body = "It is with regret today that we announce the sudden passing of the " if(prob(33)) body += "[pick("distinguished","decorated","veteran","highly respected")] \ [pick("Ship's Captain","Vice Admiral","Colonel","Lieutenant Colonel")] " else if(prob(50)) body += "[pick("award-winning","popular","highly respected","trend-setting")] \ [pick("comedian","singer/songwright","artist","playwright","TV personality","model")] " else body += "[pick("successful","highly respected","ingenious","esteemed")] \ [pick("academic","Professor","Doctor","Scientist")] " body += "[random_name(pick(MALE,FEMALE))] on [affected_dest.name] [pick("last week","yesterday","this morning","two days ago","three days ago")]\ [pick(". Assassination is suspected, but the perpetrators have not yet been brought to justice",\ " due to mercenary infiltrators (since captured)",\ " during an industrial accident",\ " due to [pick("heart failure","kidney failure","liver failure","brain hemorrhage")]")]" if(BARGAINS) body += "BARGAINS! BARGAINS! BARGAINS! Commerce Control on [affected_dest.name] wants you to know that everything must go! Across all retail centres, \ all goods are being slashed, and all retailors are onboard - so come on over for the \[shopping\] time of your life." if(SONG_DEBUT) body += "[pick("Singer","Singer/songwriter","Saxophonist","Pianist","Guitarist","TV personality","Star")] [random_name(pick(MALE,FEMALE))] \ announced the debut of their new [pick("single","album","EP","label")] '[pick("Everyone's","Look at the","Baby don't eye those","All of those","Dirty nasty")] \ [pick("roses","three stars","starships","nanobots","cyborgs","Skrell","Sren'darr")] \ [pick("on Venus","on Reade","on Moghes","in my hand","slip through my fingers","die for you","sing your heart out","fly away")]' \ with [pick("pre-puchases available","a release tour","cover signings","a launch concert")] on [affected_dest.name]." if(MOVIE_RELEASE) body += "From the [pick("desk","home town","homeworld","mind")] of [pick("acclaimed","award-winning","popular","stellar")] \ [pick("playwright","author","director","actor","TV star")] [random_name(pick(MALE,FEMALE))] comes the latest sensation: '\ [pick("Deadly","The last","Lost","Dead")] [pick("Starships","Warriors","outcasts","Tajaran","Unathi","Skrell")] \ [pick("of","from","raid","go hunting on","visit","ravage","pillage","destroy")] \ [pick("Moghes","Earth","Biesel","Adhomai","S'rendarr","the Void","the Edge of Space")]'.\ . Own it on webcast today, or visit the galactic premier on [affected_dest.name]!" if(BIG_GAME_HUNTERS) body += "Game hunters on [affected_dest.name] " if(prob(33)) body += "were surprised when an unusual species experts have since identified as \ [pick("a subclass of mammal","a divergent abhuman species","an intelligent species of lemur","organic/cyborg hybrids")] turned up. Believed to have been brought in by \ [pick("alien smugglers","early colonists","mercenary raiders","unwitting tourists")], this is the first such specimen discovered in the wild." else if(prob(50)) body += "were attacked by a vicious [pick("nas'r","diyaab","samak","predator which has not yet been identified")]\ . Officials urge caution, and locals are advised to stock up on armaments." else body += "brought in an unusually [pick("valuable","rare","large","vicious","intelligent")] [pick("mammal","predator","farwa","samak")] for inspection \ [pick("today","yesterday","last week")]. Speculators suggest they may be tipped to break several records." if(GOSSIP) body += "[pick("TV host","Webcast personality","Superstar","Model","Actor","Singer")] [random_name(pick(MALE,FEMALE))] " if(prob(33)) body += "and their partner announced the birth of their [pick("first","second","third")] child on [affected_dest.name] early this morning. \ Doctors say the child is well, and the parents are considering " if(prob(50)) body += capitalize(pick(GLOB.first_names_female)) else body += capitalize(pick(GLOB.first_names_male)) body += " for the name." else if(prob(50)) body += "announced their [pick("split","break up","marriage","engagement")] with [pick("TV host","webcast personality","superstar","model","actor","singer")] \ [random_name(pick(MALE,FEMALE))] at [pick("a society ball","a new opening","a launch","a club")] on [affected_dest.name] yesterday, pundits are shocked." else body += "is recovering from plastic surgery in a clinic on [affected_dest.name] for the [pick("second","third","fourth")] time, reportedly having made the decision in response to " body += "[pick("unkind comments by an ex","rumours started by jealous friends",\ "the decision to be dropped by a major sponsor","a disasterous interview on Tau Ceti Tonight")]." if(TOURISM) body += "Tourists are flocking to [affected_dest.name] after the surprise announcement of [pick("major shopping bargains by a wily retailer",\ "a huge new ARG by a popular entertainment company","a secret tour by popular artiste [random_name(pick(MALE,FEMALE))]")]. \ Tau Ceti Daily is offering discount tickets for two to see [random_name(pick(MALE,FEMALE))] live in return for eyewitness reports and up to the minute coverage." var/datum/feed_channel/ch = SSnews.GetFeedChannel(channel) SSnews.SubmitArticle(body, author, ch, null, 1)