diff --git a/code/modules/vehicles/vehicle_key.dm b/code/modules/vehicles/vehicle_key.dm
index 0847512f094..0909618720f 100644
--- a/code/modules/vehicles/vehicle_key.dm
+++ b/code/modules/vehicles/vehicle_key.dm
@@ -9,10 +9,57 @@
 	desc = "A keyring with a small steel key, and a rubber stun baton accessory."
 	icon_state = "keysec"
 
+/obj/item/key/security/suicide_act(mob/living/carbon/user)
+	if(!user.emote("spin")) //In the off chance that someone attempts this suicide while under the effects of mime's bane they deserve the silliness.
+		user.visible_message("<span class='suicide'>[user] is putting \the [src] in [user.p_their()] ear and starts [user.p_their()] motor! It looks like [user.p_theyre()] trying to commit suicide... But [user.p_they()] sputters and stalls out! </span>")
+		playsound(src, 'sound/misc/sadtrombone.ogg', 50, TRUE, -1)
+		return SHAME
+	user.visible_message("<span class='suicide'>[user] is putting \the [src] in [user.p_their()] ear and starts [user.p_their()] motor! It looks like [user.p_theyre()] trying to commit suicide!</span>")
+	user.say("Vroom vroom!!", forced="secway key suicide") //Not doing a shamestate here, because even if they fail to speak they're spinning.
+	addtimer(CALLBACK(user, /mob/living/.proc/gib), 20)
+	return MANUAL_SUICIDE
+
 /obj/item/key/janitor
 	desc = "A keyring with a small steel key, and a pink fob reading \"Pussy Wagon\"."
 	icon_state = "keyjanitor"
 
+/obj/item/key/janitor/suicide_act(mob/living/carbon/user)
+	switch(user.mind.get_skill_level(/datum/skill/cleaning))
+		if(SKILL_LEVEL_NONE to SKILL_LEVEL_NOVICE) //Their mind is too weak to ascend as a janny
+			user.visible_message("<span class='suicide'>[user] is putting \the [src] in [user.p_their()] mouth and is trying to become one with the janicart, but has no idea where to start! It looks like [user.p_theyre()] trying to commit suicide!</span>")
+			user.gib()
+			return MANUAL_SUICIDE
+		if(SKILL_LEVEL_APPRENTICE to SKILL_LEVEL_JOURNEYMAN) //At least they tried
+			user.visible_message("<span class='suicide'>[user] is putting \the [src] in [user.p_their()] mouth and has inefficiently become one with the janicart! It looks like [user.p_theyre()] trying to commit suicide!</span>")
+			user.AddElement(/datum/element/cleaning)
+			addtimer(CALLBACK(src, .proc/manual_suicide, user), 51)
+			return MANUAL_SUICIDE
+		if(SKILL_LEVEL_EXPERT to SKILL_LEVEL_MASTER) //They are worthy enough, but can it go even further beyond?
+			user.visible_message("<span class='suicide'>[user] is putting \the [src] in [user.p_their()] mouth and has skillfully become one with the janicart! It looks like [user.p_theyre()] trying to commit suicide!</span>")
+			user.AddElement(/datum/element/cleaning)
+			for(var/i in 1 to 100)
+				addtimer(CALLBACK(user, /atom/proc/add_atom_colour, (i % 2)? "#a245bb" : "#7a7d82", ADMIN_COLOUR_PRIORITY), i)
+			addtimer(CALLBACK(src, .proc/manual_suicide, user), 101)
+			return MANUAL_SUICIDE
+		if(SKILL_LEVEL_LEGENDARY to INFINITY) //Holy shit, look at that janny go!
+			user.visible_message("<span class='suicide'>[user] is putting \the [src] in [user.p_their()] mouth and has epically become one with the janicart, and they're even in overdrive mode! It looks like [user.p_theyre()] trying to commit suicide!</span>")
+			user.AddElement(/datum/element/cleaning)
+			playsound(src, 'sound//magic/lightning_chargeup.ogg', 50, TRUE, -1)
+			user.reagents.add_reagent(/datum/reagent/drug/methamphetamine, 10) //Gotta go fast!
+			for(var/i in 1 to 150)
+				addtimer(CALLBACK(user, /atom/proc/add_atom_colour, (i % 2)? "#a245bb" : "#7a7d82", ADMIN_COLOUR_PRIORITY), i)
+			addtimer(CALLBACK(src, .proc/manual_suicide, user), 151)
+			return MANUAL_SUICIDE
+
+/obj/item/key/proc/manual_suicide(mob/living/user)
+	if(user)
+		user.remove_atom_colour(ADMIN_COLOUR_PRIORITY)
+		user.visible_message("<span class='suicide'>[user] forgot [user.p_they()] isn't actually a janicart! That's a paddlin'!</span>")
+		if(user.mind.get_skill_level(/datum/skill/cleaning) >= SKILL_LEVEL_LEGENDARY) //Janny janny janny janny janny
+			playsound(src, 'sound/effects/adminhelp.ogg', 50, TRUE, -1)
+		user.adjustOxyLoss(200)
+		user.death(0)
+
 /obj/item/key/lasso
 	name = "bone lasso"
 	desc = "Perfect for taming all kinds of supernatural beasts! (Warning: only perfect for taming one kind of supernatural beast.)"