diff --git a/code/game/objects/items.dm b/code/game/objects/items.dm
index 9e962ddeeca..390fab562cb 100644
--- a/code/game/objects/items.dm
+++ b/code/game/objects/items.dm
@@ -1,5 +1,9 @@
 GLOBAL_DATUM_INIT(fire_overlay, /image, image("icon" = 'icons/effects/fire.dmi', "icon_state" = "fire"))
 
+GLOBAL_VAR_INIT(rpg_loot_items, FALSE)
+// if true, everyone item when created will have its name changed to be
+// more... RPG-like.
+
 /obj/item
 	name = "item"
 	icon = 'icons/obj/items.dmi'
@@ -99,6 +103,8 @@ GLOBAL_DATUM_INIT(fire_overlay, /image, image("icon" = 'icons/effects/fire.dmi',
 	// non-clothing items
 	var/datum/dog_fashion/dog_fashion = null
 
+	var/datum/rpg_loot/rpg_loot = null
+
 /obj/item/Initialize()
 	if (!materials)
 		materials = list()
@@ -107,6 +113,9 @@ GLOBAL_DATUM_INIT(fire_overlay, /image, image("icon" = 'icons/effects/fire.dmi',
 		new path(src)
 	actions_types = null
 
+	if(GLOB.rpg_loot_items)
+		rpg_loot = new(src)
+
 /obj/item/Destroy()
 	flags &= ~DROPDEL	//prevent reqdels
 	if(ismob(loc))
@@ -114,6 +123,7 @@ GLOBAL_DATUM_INIT(fire_overlay, /image, image("icon" = 'icons/effects/fire.dmi',
 		m.temporarilyRemoveItemFromInventory(src, TRUE)
 	for(var/X in actions)
 		qdel(X)
+	QDEL_NULL(rpg_loot)
 	return ..()
 
 /obj/item/device
diff --git a/code/modules/events/wizard/rpgloot.dm b/code/modules/events/wizard/rpgloot.dm
index d651400baa0..98ae7ba6aa5 100644
--- a/code/modules/events/wizard/rpgloot.dm
+++ b/code/modules/events/wizard/rpgloot.dm
@@ -6,27 +6,10 @@
 	earliest_start = 0
 
 /datum/round_event/wizard/rpgloot/start()
-	var/list/prefixespositive 	= list("greater", "major", "blessed", "superior", "enpowered", "honed", "true", "glorious", "robust")
-	var/list/prefixesnegative 	= list("lesser", "minor", "blighted", "inferior", "enfeebled", "rusted", "unsteady", "tragic", "gimped")
-	var/list/suffixes			= list("orc slaying", "elf slaying", "corgi slaying", "strength", "dexterity", "constitution", "intelligence", "wisdom", "charisma", "the forest", "the hills", "the plains", "the sea", "the sun", "the moon", "the void", "the world", "the fool", "many secrets", "many tales", "many colors", "rending", "sundering", "the night", "the day")
-	var/upgrade_scroll_chance	= 0
+	var/upgrade_scroll_chance = 0
 	for(var/obj/item/I in world)
-		if(istype(I,/obj/item/organ/))
-			continue
-		var/quality = pick(1;15, 2;14, 2;13, 2;12, 3;11, 3;10, 3;9, 4;8, 4;7, 4;6, 5;5, 5;4, 5;3, 6;2, 6;1, 6;0)
-		if(prob(50))
-			quality = -quality
-		if(quality > 0)
-			I.name = "[pick(prefixespositive)] [I.name] of [pick(suffixes)] +[quality]"
-		else if(quality < 0)
-			I.name = "[pick(prefixesnegative)] [I.name] of [pick(suffixes)] [quality]"
-		else
-			I.name = "[I.name] of [pick(suffixes)]"
-
-		I.force 		= max(0,I.force + quality)
-		I.throwforce	= max(0,I.throwforce + quality)
-		for(var/value in I.armor)
-			I.armor[value] += quality
+		if(!istype(I.rpg_loot))
+			I.rpg_loot = new(I)
 
 		if(istype(I,/obj/item/weapon/storage))
 			var/obj/item/weapon/storage/S = I
@@ -36,28 +19,97 @@
 				upgrade_scroll_chance = max(0,upgrade_scroll_chance-100)
 			upgrade_scroll_chance += 25
 
+	GLOB.rpg_loot_items = TRUE
+
 /obj/item/upgradescroll
-	name = "Item Fortification Scroll"
+	name = "item fortification scroll"
 	desc = "Somehow, this piece of paper can be applied to items to make them \"better\". Apparently there's a risk of losing the item if it's already \"too good\". <i>This all feels so arbitrary...</i>"
 	icon = 'icons/obj/wizard.dmi'
 	icon_state = "scroll"
 	w_class = WEIGHT_CLASS_TINY
 
+	var/upgrade_amount = 1
+	var/can_backfire = TRUE
+	var/one_use = TRUE
+
 /obj/item/upgradescroll/afterattack(obj/item/target, mob/user , proximity)
 	if(!proximity || !istype(target))
 		return
-	var/quality = target.force - initial(target.force)
-	if(quality > 9 && prob((quality - 9)*10))
-		to_chat(user, "<span class='danger'>[target] catches fire!</span>")
-		if(target.resistance_flags & (LAVA_PROOF|FIRE_PROOF))
-			target.resistance_flags &= ~(LAVA_PROOF|FIRE_PROOF)
-			target.resistance_flags |= FLAMMABLE
-		target.fire_act()
+
+	var/datum/rpg_loot/rpg_loot_datum = target.rpg_loot
+	if(!istype(rpg_loot_datum))
+		rpg_loot_datum = new /datum/rpg_loot(target)
+
+	var/quality = rpg_loot_datum.quality
+
+	if(can_backfire && (quality > 9 && prob((quality - 9)*10)))
+		to_chat(user, "<span class='danger'>[target] violently glows blue for a while, then evaporates.</span>")
+		target.burn()
+	else
+		to_chat(user, "<span class='notice'>[target] glows blue and seems vaguely \"better\"!</span>")
+		rpg_loot_datum.modify(upgrade_amount)
+
+	if(one_use)
 		qdel(src)
-		return
-	target.force 		+= 1
-	target.throwforce	+= 1
-	for(var/value in target.armor)
-		target.armor[value] += 1
-	to_chat(user, "<span class='notice'>[target] glows blue and seems vaguely \"better\"!</span>")
-	qdel(src)
+
+/obj/item/upgradescroll/unlimited
+	name = "unlimited foolproof item fortification scroll"
+	desc = "Somehow, this piece of paper can be applied to items to make them \"better\". This scroll is made from the tongues of dead paper wizards, and can be used an unlimited number of times, with no drawbacks."
+	one_use = FALSE
+	can_backfire = FALSE
+
+/datum/rpg_loot
+	var/positive_prefix = "okay"
+	var/negative_prefix = "weak"
+	var/suffix = "something profound"
+	var/quality = 0
+
+	var/obj/item/attached
+	var/original_name
+
+/datum/rpg_loot/New(attached_item=null)
+	attached = attached_item
+
+	randomise()
+
+/datum/rpg_loot/Destroy()
+	attached = null
+
+/datum/rpg_loot/proc/randomise()
+	var/static/list/prefixespositive = list("greater", "major", "blessed", "superior", "enpowered", "honed", "true", "glorious", "robust")
+	var/static/list/prefixesnegative = list("lesser", "minor", "blighted", "inferior", "enfeebled", "rusted", "unsteady", "tragic", "gimped")
+	var/static/list/suffixes = list("orc slaying", "elf slaying", "corgi slaying", "strength", "dexterity", "constitution", "intelligence", "wisdom", "charisma", "the forest", "the hills", "the plains", "the sea", "the sun", "the moon", "the void", "the world", "the fool", "many secrets", "many tales", "many colors", "rending", "sundering", "the night", "the day")
+
+	var/new_quality = pick(1;15, 2;14, 2;13, 2;12, 3;11, 3;10, 3;9, 4;8, 4;7, 4;6, 5;5, 5;4, 5;3, 6;2, 6;1, 6;0)
+
+	suffix = pick(suffixes)
+	positive_prefix = pick(prefixespositive)
+	negative_prefix = pick(prefixesnegative)
+
+	if(prob(50))
+		new_quality = -new_quality
+
+	modify(new_quality)
+
+/datum/rpg_loot/proc/rename()
+	var/obj/item/I = attached
+	if(!original_name)
+		original_name = I.name
+	if(quality < 0)
+		I.name = "[negative_prefix] [original_name] of [suffix] [quality]"
+	else if(quality == 0)
+		I.name = "[original_name] of [suffix]"
+	else if(quality > 0)
+		I.name = "[positive_prefix] [original_name] of [suffix] +[quality]"
+
+/datum/rpg_loot/proc/modify(quality_mod)
+	var/obj/item/I = attached
+	quality += quality_mod
+
+	I.force = max(0,I.force + quality_mod)
+	I.throwforce = max(0,I.throwforce + quality_mod)
+
+	for(var/value in I.armor)
+		I.armor[value] += quality
+
+	rename()