mirror of
https://github.com/CHOMPStation2/CHOMPStation2.git
synced 2025-12-13 11:43:31 +00:00
221 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
221 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
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/datum/event/mundane_news
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endWhen = 10
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/datum/event/mundane_news/announce()
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var/datum/trade_destination/affected_dest = pickweight(weighted_mundaneevent_locations)
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var/event_type = 0
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if(affected_dest.viable_mundane_events.len)
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event_type = pick(affected_dest.viable_mundane_events)
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if(!event_type)
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return
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var/author = "Nyx Daily"
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var/channel = author
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//see if our location has custom event info for this event
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var/body = affected_dest.get_custom_eventstring()
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if(!body)
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body = ""
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switch(event_type)
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if(RESEARCH_BREAKTHROUGH)
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body = "A major breakthough in the field of [pick("phoron research","super-compressed materials","nano-augmentation","bluespace research","volatile power manipulation")] \
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was announced [pick("yesterday","a few days ago","last week","earlier this month")] by a private firm on [affected_dest.name]. \
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NanoTrasen declined to comment as to whether this could impinge on profits."
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if(ELECTION)
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body = "The pre-selection of an additional candidates was announced for the upcoming [pick("supervisors council","advisory board","governership","board of inquisitors")] \
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election on [affected_dest.name] was announced earlier today, \
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[pick("media mogul","web celebrity", "industry titan", "superstar", "famed chef", "popular gardener", "ex-army officer", "multi-billionaire")] \
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[random_name(pick(MALE,FEMALE))]. In a statement to the media they said '[pick("My only goal is to help the [pick("sick","poor","children")]",\
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"I will maintain NanoTrasen's record profits","I believe in our future","We must return to our moral core","Just like... chill out dudes")]'."
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if(RESIGNATION)
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body = "NanoTrasen regretfully announces the resignation of [pick("Sector Admiral","Division Admiral","Ship Admiral","Vice Admiral")] [random_name(pick(MALE,FEMALE))]."
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if(prob(25))
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var/locstring = pick("Segunda","Salusa","Cepheus","Andromeda","Gruis","Corona","Aquila","Asellus") + " " + pick("I","II","III","IV","V","VI","VII","VIII")
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body += " In a ceremony on [affected_dest.name] this afternoon, they will be awarded the \
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[pick("Red Star of Sacrifice","Purple Heart of Heroism","Blue Eagle of Loyalty","Green Lion of Ingenuity")] for "
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if(prob(33))
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body += "their actions at the Battle of [pick(locstring,"REDACTED")]."
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else if(prob(50))
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body += "their contribution to the colony of [locstring]."
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else
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body += "their loyal service over the years."
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else if(prob(33))
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body += " They are expected to settle down in [affected_dest.name], where they have been granted a handsome pension."
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else if(prob(50))
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body += " The news was broken on [affected_dest.name] earlier today, where they cited reasons of '[pick("health","family","REDACTED")]'"
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else
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body += " Administration Aerospace wishes them the best of luck in their retirement ceremony on [affected_dest.name]."
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if(CELEBRITY_DEATH)
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body = "It is with regret today that we announce the sudden passing of the "
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if(prob(33))
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body += "[pick("distinguished","decorated","veteran","highly respected")] \
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[pick("Ship's Captain","Vice Admiral","Colonel","Lieutenant Colonel")] "
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else if(prob(50))
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body += "[pick("award-winning","popular","highly respected","trend-setting")] \
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[pick("comedian","singer/songwright","artist","playwright","TV personality","model")] "
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else
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body += "[pick("successful","highly respected","ingenious","esteemed")] \
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[pick("academic","Professor","Doctor","Scientist")] "
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body += "[random_name(pick(MALE,FEMALE))] on [affected_dest.name] [pick("last week","yesterday","this morning","two days ago","three days ago")]\
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[pick(". Assassination is suspected, but the perpetrators have not yet been brought to justice",\
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" due to mercenary infiltrators (since captured)",\
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" during an industrial accident",\
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" due to [pick("heart failure","kidney failure","liver failure","brain hemorrhage")]")]"
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if(BARGAINS)
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body += "BARGAINS! BARGAINS! BARGAINS! Commerce Control on [affected_dest.name] wants you to know that everything must go! Across all retail centres, \
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all goods are being slashed, and all retailors are onboard - so come on over for the \[shopping\] time of your life."
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if(SONG_DEBUT)
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body += "[pick("Singer","Singer/songwriter","Saxophonist","Pianist","Guitarist","TV personality","Star")] [random_name(pick(MALE,FEMALE))] \
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announced the debut of their new [pick("single","album","EP","label")] '[pick("Everyone's","Look at the","Baby don't eye those","All of those","Dirty nasty")] \
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[pick("roses","three stars","starships","nanobots","cyborgs","Skrell","Sren'darr")] \
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[pick("on Venus","on Reade","on Moghes","in my hand","slip through my fingers","die for you","sing your heart out","fly away")]' \
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with [pick("pre-puchases available","a release tour","cover signings","a launch concert")] on [affected_dest.name]."
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if(MOVIE_RELEASE)
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body += "From the [pick("desk","home town","homeworld","mind")] of [pick("acclaimed","award-winning","popular","stellar")] \
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[pick("playwright","author","director","actor","TV star")] [random_name(pick(MALE,FEMALE))] comes the latest sensation: '\
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[pick("Deadly","The last","Lost","Dead")] [pick("Starships","Warriors","outcasts","Tajarans","Unathi","Skrell")] \
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[pick("of","from","raid","go hunting on","visit","ravage","pillage","destroy")] \
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[pick("Moghes","Earth","Biesel","Ahdomai","S'randarr","the Void","the Edge of Space")]'.\
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. Own it on webcast today, or visit the galactic premier on [affected_dest.name]!"
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if(BIG_GAME_HUNTERS)
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body += "Game hunters on [affected_dest.name] "
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if(prob(33))
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body += "were surprised when an unusual species experts have since identified as \
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[pick("a subclass of mammal","a divergent abhuman species","an intelligent species of lemur","organic/cyborg hybrids")] turned up. Believed to have been brought in by \
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[pick("alien smugglers","early colonists","mercenary raiders","unwitting tourists")], this is the first such specimen discovered in the wild."
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else if(prob(50))
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body += "were attacked by a vicious [pick("nas'r","diyaab","samak","predator which has not yet been identified")]\
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. Officials urge caution, and locals are advised to stock up on armaments."
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else
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body += "brought in an unusually [pick("valuable","rare","large","vicious","intelligent")] [pick("mammal","predator","farwa","samak")] for inspection \
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[pick("today","yesterday","last week")]. Speculators suggest they may be tipped to break several records."
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if(GOSSIP)
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body += "[pick("TV host","Webcast personality","Superstar","Model","Actor","Singer")] [random_name(pick(MALE,FEMALE))] "
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if(prob(33))
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body += "and their partner announced the birth of their [pick("first","second","third")] child on [affected_dest.name] early this morning. \
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Doctors say the child is well, and the parents are considering "
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if(prob(50))
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body += capitalize(pick(first_names_female))
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else
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body += capitalize(pick(first_names_male))
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body += " for the name."
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else if(prob(50))
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body += "announced their [pick("split","break up","marriage","engagement")] with [pick("TV host","webcast personality","superstar","model","actor","singer")] \
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[random_name(pick(MALE,FEMALE))] at [pick("a society ball","a new opening","a launch","a club")] on [affected_dest.name] yesterday, pundits are shocked."
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else
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body += "is recovering from plastic surgery in a clinic on [affected_dest.name] for the [pick("second","third","fourth")] time, reportedly having made the decision in response to "
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body += "[pick("unkind comments by an ex","rumours started by jealous friends",\
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"the decision to be dropped by a major sponsor","a disasterous interview on Nyx Tonight")]."
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if(TOURISM)
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body += "Tourists are flocking to [affected_dest.name] after the surprise announcement of [pick("major shopping bargains by a wily retailer",\
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"a huge new ARG by a popular entertainment company","a secret tour by popular artiste [random_name(pick(MALE,FEMALE))]")]. \
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Nyx Daily is offering discount tickets for two to see [random_name(pick(MALE,FEMALE))] live in return for eyewitness reports and up to the minute coverage."
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news_network.SubmitArticle(body, author, channel, null, 1)
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/datum/event/trivial_news
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endWhen = 10
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/datum/event/trivial_news/announce()
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var/author = "Editor Mike Hammers"
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var/channel = "The Gibson Gazette"
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var/datum/trade_destination/affected_dest = pick(weighted_mundaneevent_locations)
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var/body = pick(
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"Tree stuck in tajaran; firefighters baffled.",\
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"Armadillos want aardvarks removed from dictionary claims 'here first'.",\
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"Angel found dancing on pinhead ordered to stop; cited for public nuisance.",\
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"Letters claim they are better than number; 'Always have been'.",\
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"Pens proclaim pencils obsolete, 'lead is dead'.",\
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"Rock and paper sues scissors for discrimination.",\
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"Steak tell-all book reveals he never liked sitting by potato.",\
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"Woodchuck stops counting how many times he<68>s chucked 'Never again'.",\
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"[affected_dest.name] clerk first person able to pronounce '@*$%!'.",\
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"[affected_dest.name] delis serving boiled paperback dictionaries, 'Adjectives chewy' customers declare.",\
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"[affected_dest.name] weather deemed 'boring'; meteors and rad storms to be imported.",\
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"Most [affected_dest.name] security officers prefer cream over sugar.",\
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"Palindrome speakers conference in [affected_dest.name]; 'Wow!' says Otto.",\
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"Question mark worshipped as deity by ancient [affected_dest.name] dwellers.",\
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"Spilled milk causes whole [affected_dest.name] populace to cry.",\
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"World largest carp patty at display on [affected_dest.name].",\
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"'Here kitty kitty' no longer preferred tajaran retrieval technique.",\
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"Man travels 7000 light years to retrieve lost hankie, 'It was my favourite'.",\
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"New bowling lane that shoots mini-meteors at bowlers very popular.",\
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"[pick("Unathi","Spacer")] gets tattoo of Nyx on chest '[pick("CentComm","star","starship","asteroid")] tickles most'.",\
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"Skrell marries computer; wedding attended by 100 modems.",\
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"Chef reports successfully using harmonica as cheese grater.",\
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"NanoTrasen invents handkerchief that says 'Bless you' after sneeze.",\
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"Clone accused of posing for other clones<65>s school photo.",\
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"Clone accused of stealing other clones<65>s employee of the month award.",\
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"Woman robs station with hair dryer; crewmen love new style.",\
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"This space for rent.",\
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"[affected_dest.name] Baker Wins Pickled Crumpet Toss Three Years Running",\
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"Skrell Scientist Discovers Abacus Can Be Used To Dry Towels",\
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"Survey: 'Cheese Louise' Voted Best Pizza Restaurant In Nyx",\
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"I Was Framed, jokes [affected_dest.name] artist",\
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"Mysterious Loud Rumbling Noises In [affected_dest.name] Found To Be Mysterious Loud Rumblings",\
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"Alien ambassador becomes lost on [affected_dest.name], refuses to ask for directions",\
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"Swamp Gas Verified To Be Exhalations Of Stars--Movie Stars--Long Passed",\
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"Tainted Broccoli Weapon Of Choice For Efficient Assassins",\
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"Chefs Find Broccoli Effective Tool For Cutting Cheese",\
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"Broccoli Found To Cause Grumpiness In Monkeys",\
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"Survey: 80% Of People on [affected_dest.name] Love Clog-Dancing",\
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"Giant Hairball Has Perfect Grammar But Rolls rr's Too Much, Linguists Say",\
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"[affected_dest.name] Phonebooks Print All Wrong Numbers; Results In 15 New Marriages",\
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"Tajaran Burglar Spotted on [affected_dest.name], Mistaken For Dalmatian",\
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"Gibson Gazette Updates Frequently Absurd, Poll Indicates",\
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"Esoteric Verbosity Culminates In Communicative Ennui, [affected_dest.name] Academics Note",\
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"Taj Demand Longer Breaks, Cleaner Litter, Slower Mice",\
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"Survey: 3 Out Of 5 Skrell Loathe Modern Art",\
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"Skrell Scientist Discovers Gravity While Falling Down Stairs",\
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"Boy Saves Tajaran From Tree on [affected_dest.name], Thousands Cheer",\
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"Shipment Of Apples Overturns, [affected_dest.name] Diner Offers Applesauce Special",\
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"Spotted Owl Spotted on [affected_dest.name]",\
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"Humans Everywhere Agree: Purring Tajarans Are Happy Tajarans",\
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"From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: One Word In This Gazette Is Sdrawkcab",\
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"From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: It's Hard To Have Too Much Shelf Space",\
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"From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Wine And Friendships Get Better With Age",\
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"From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: The Insides Of Golf Balls Are Mostly Rubber Bands",\
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"From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: You Don't Have To Fool All The People, Just The Right Ones",\
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"From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: If You Made The Mess, You Clean It Up",\
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"From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: It Is Easier To Get Forgiveness Than Permission",\
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"From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Check Your Facts Before Making A Fool Of Yourself",\
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"From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: You Can't Outwait A Bureaucracy",\
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"From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: It's Better To Yield Right Of Way Than To Demand It",\
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"From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: A Person Who Likes Cats Can't Be All Bad",\
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"From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Help Is The Sunny Side Of Control",\
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"From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Two Points Determine A Straight Line",\
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"From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Reading Improves The Mind And Lifts The Spirit",\
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"From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Better To Aim High And Miss Then To Aim Low And Hit",\
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"From The Desk Of Wise Guy Sammy: Meteors Often Strike The Same Place More Than Once",\
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"Tommy B. Saif Sez: Look Both Ways Before Boarding The Shuttle",\
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"Tommy B. Saif Sez: Hold On; Sudden Stops Sometimes Necessary",\
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"Tommy B. Saif Sez: Keep Fingers Away From Moving Panels",\
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"Tommy B. Saif Sez: No Left Turn, Except Shuttles",\
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"Tommy B. Saif Sez: Return Seats And Trays To Their Proper Upright Position",\
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"Tommy B. Saif Sez: Eating And Drinking In Docking Bays Is Prohibited",\
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"Tommy B. Saif Sez: Accept No Substitutes, And Don't Be Fooled By Imitations",\
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"Tommy B. Saif Sez: Do Not Remove This Tag Under Penalty Of Law",\
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"Tommy B. Saif Sez: Always Mix Thoroughly When So Instructed",\
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"Tommy B. Saif Sez: Try To Keep Six Month's Expenses In Reserve",\
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"Tommy B. Saif Sez: Change Not Given Without Purchase",\
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"Tommy B. Saif Sez: If You Break It, You Buy It",\
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"Tommy B. Saif Sez: Reservations Must Be Cancelled 48 Hours Prior To Event To Obtain Refund",\
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"Doughnuts: Is There Anything They Can't Do",\
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"If Tin Whistles Are Made Of Tin, What Do They Make Foghorns Out Of?",\
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"Broccoli discovered to be colonies of tiny aliens with murder on their minds"\
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)
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news_network.SubmitArticle(body, author, channel, null, 1)
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