diff --git a/code/game/jobs/access.dm b/code/game/jobs/access.dm
index bbe7f2763cd..64bfbc45a1d 100644
--- a/code/game/jobs/access.dm
+++ b/code/game/jobs/access.dm
@@ -96,11 +96,24 @@
 /obj/var/req_one_access_txt = "0"
 
 //returns 1 if this mob has sufficient access to use this object
-/obj/proc/allowed(var/mob/M)
-	if(M.hasFullAccess()) // AI, robots, adminghosts, etc.
+/obj/proc/allowed(mob/M)
+	//check if it doesn't require any access at all
+	if(src.check_access(null))
 		return 1
-	var/list/ACL = M.GetAccess()
-	return can_access(ACL,req_access,req_one_access)
+	if(istype(M, /mob/living/silicon))
+		//AI can do whatever he wants
+		return 1
+	else if(istype(M, /mob/living/carbon/human))
+		var/mob/living/carbon/human/H = M
+		//if they are holding or wearing a card that has access, that works
+		if(src.check_access(H.get_active_hand()) || src.check_access(H.wear_id))
+			return 1
+	else if(istype(M, /mob/living/carbon/monkey) || istype(M, /mob/living/carbon/alien/humanoid))
+		var/mob/living/carbon/george = M
+		//they can only hold things :(
+		if(src.check_access(george.get_active_hand()))
+			return 1
+	return 0
 
 /obj/item/proc/GetAccess()
 	return list()
@@ -109,8 +122,42 @@
 	return null
 
 /obj/proc/check_access(obj/item/I)
-	var/list/ACL = I.GetAccess()
-	return can_access(ACL,req_access,req_one_access)
+	//These generations have been moved out of /obj/New() because they were slowing down the creation of objects that never even used the access system.
+	if(!src.req_access)
+		src.req_access = list()
+		if(src.req_access_txt)
+			var/list/req_access_str = text2list(req_access_txt,";")
+			for(var/x in req_access_str)
+				var/n = text2num(x)
+				if(n)
+					req_access += n
+
+	if(!src.req_one_access)
+		src.req_one_access = list()
+		if(src.req_one_access_txt)
+			var/list/req_one_access_str = text2list(req_one_access_txt,";")
+			for(var/x in req_one_access_str)
+				var/n = text2num(x)
+				if(n)
+					req_one_access += n
+
+	if(!istype(src.req_access, /list)) //something's very wrong
+		return 1
+
+	var/list/L = src.req_access
+	if(!L.len && (!src.req_one_access || !src.req_one_access.len)) //no requirements
+		return 1
+	if(!I)
+		return 0
+	for(var/req in src.req_access)
+		if(!(req in I.GetAccess())) //doesn't have this access
+			return 0
+	if(src.req_one_access && src.req_one_access.len)
+		for(var/req in src.req_one_access)
+			if(req in I.GetAccess()) //has an access from the single access list
+				return 1
+		return 0
+	return 1
 
 
 /obj/proc/check_access_list(var/list/L)
@@ -129,37 +176,6 @@
 		return 0
 	return 1
 
-
-// /vg/ - Generic Access Checks.
-// Allows more flexible access checks.
-/proc/can_access(var/list/L, var/list/req_access=null,var/list/req_one_access=null)
-	// No perms set?  He's in.
-	if(!req_access  && !req_one_access)
-		return 1
-	// Fucked permissions set?  He's in.
-	if(!istype(req_access, /list))
-		return 1
-	// Blank permissions set?  He's in.
-	if(!req_access.len && (!req_one_access || !req_one_access.len))
-		return 1
-
-	// User doesn't have any accesses?  Fuck off.
-	if(!L)	return 0
-	if(!istype(L, /list))	return 0
-
-	// Doesn't have a req_access
-	for(var/req in req_access)
-		if(!(req in L)) //doesn't have this access
-			return 0
-
-	// If he has at least one req_one access, he's in.
-	if(req_one_access && req_one_access.len)
-		for(var/req in req_one_access)
-			if(req in L) //has an access from the single access list
-				return 1
-		return 0
-	return 1
-
 /proc/get_centcom_access(job)
 	switch(job)
 		if("VIP Guest")
diff --git a/code/modules/mob/dead/observer/observer.dm b/code/modules/mob/dead/observer/observer.dm
index 5bf9c1f56c0..7b5e1b08241 100644
--- a/code/modules/mob/dead/observer/observer.dm
+++ b/code/modules/mob/dead/observer/observer.dm
@@ -24,7 +24,6 @@
 	var/atom/movable/following = null
 	var/medHUD = 0
 
-
 /mob/dead/observer/New(var/mob/body=null, var/flags=1)
 	sight |= SEE_TURFS | SEE_MOBS | SEE_OBJS | SEE_SELF
 	see_invisible = SEE_INVISIBLE_OBSERVER
diff --git a/code/modules/mob/living/carbon/human/human.dm b/code/modules/mob/living/carbon/human/human.dm
index 585cb42a9e0..cd3c6a7d5de 100644
--- a/code/modules/mob/living/carbon/human/human.dm
+++ b/code/modules/mob/living/carbon/human/human.dm
@@ -1531,14 +1531,3 @@
 		M.apply_damage(50,BRUTE)
 		if(M.stat == 2)
 			M.gib()
-
-// Get ALL accesses available.
-/mob/living/carbon/human/GetAccess()
-	var/list/ACL=list()
-	var/obj/item/I = get_active_hand()
-	if(istype(I))
-		ACL |= I.GetAccess()
-	if(wear_id)
-		ACL |= wear_id.GetAccess()
-	return ACL
-
diff --git a/code/modules/mob/living/carbon/monkey/monkey.dm b/code/modules/mob/living/carbon/monkey/monkey.dm
index db8bcce5129..ed193859ffa 100644
--- a/code/modules/mob/living/carbon/monkey/monkey.dm
+++ b/code/modules/mob/living/carbon/monkey/monkey.dm
@@ -497,10 +497,3 @@
 	if(!ticker.mode.name == "monkey")	return 0
 	return 1
 
-// Get ALL accesses available.
-/mob/living/carbon/monkey/GetAccess()
-	var/list/ACL=list()
-	var/obj/item/I = get_active_hand()
-	if(istype(I))
-		ACL |= I.GetAccess()
-	return ACL
diff --git a/code/modules/mob/living/silicon/silicon.dm b/code/modules/mob/living/silicon/silicon.dm
index 27d9df71cee..ba8e18c65d0 100644
--- a/code/modules/mob/living/silicon/silicon.dm
+++ b/code/modules/mob/living/silicon/silicon.dm
@@ -11,12 +11,6 @@
 	var/list/alarm_types_show = list("Motion" = 0, "Fire" = 0, "Atmosphere" = 0, "Power" = 0, "Camera" = 0)
 	var/list/alarm_types_clear = list("Motion" = 0, "Fire" = 0, "Atmosphere" = 0, "Power" = 0, "Camera" = 0)
 
-/mob/living/silicon/hasFullAccess()
-	return 1
-
-/mob/living/silicon/GetAccess()
-	return get_all_accesses()
-
 /mob/living/silicon/proc/cancelAlarm()
 	return
 
@@ -188,6 +182,7 @@
 			stat(null, "ETA-[(timeleft / 60) % 60]:[add_zero(num2text(timeleft % 60), 2)]")
 
 
+
 // This adds the basic clock, shuttle recall timer, and malf_ai info to all silicon lifeforms
 /mob/living/silicon/Stat()
 	..()
diff --git a/code/modules/mob/mob.dm b/code/modules/mob/mob.dm
index 1c575eb417a..bf5a642abea 100644
--- a/code/modules/mob/mob.dm
+++ b/code/modules/mob/mob.dm
@@ -1204,12 +1204,4 @@ mob/proc/yank_out_object()
 
 	if(host)
 		host.ckey = src.ckey
-		host << "<span class='info'>You are now a mouse. Try to avoid interaction with players, and do not give hints away that you are more than a simple rodent.</span>"
-
-// Mobs tell access what access levels it has.
-/mob/proc/GetAccess()
-	return list()
-
-// Skip over all the complex list checks.
-/mob/proc/hasFullAccess()
-	return 0
\ No newline at end of file
+		host << "<span class='info'>You are now a mouse. Try to avoid interaction with players, and do not give hints away that you are more than a simple rodent.</span>"
\ No newline at end of file