diff --git a/code/defines/obj.dm b/code/defines/obj.dm
index 7e58853ca44..8b8bcc63adb 100644
--- a/code/defines/obj.dm
+++ b/code/defines/obj.dm
@@ -813,6 +813,7 @@
 	density = 1
 	anchored = 1.0
 	layer = 2.8
+	var/dented = 0
 
 	New()
 		..()
diff --git a/code/game/machinery/computer/HolodeckControl.dm b/code/game/machinery/computer/HolodeckControl.dm
index 19e009ea666..cfa1cf25b33 100644
--- a/code/game/machinery/computer/HolodeckControl.dm
+++ b/code/game/machinery/computer/HolodeckControl.dm
@@ -355,14 +355,61 @@
 			if(ishuman(G.affecting))
 				var/mob/living/carbon/human/H = G.affecting
 				var/datum/organ/external/affecting = H.get_organ("head")
-				affecting.take_damage(4, 0)
-				H.UpdateDamageIcon()
-				H.updatehealth()
-				playsound(src.loc, 'punch1.ogg', 50, 1, -3)
-				src.add_blood(G.affecting)
-				for(var/mob/O in viewers(world.view, src))
-					if (O.client)
-						O << text("\red [] smashes []'s head on the table!", G.assailant, G.affecting)
+				//Fucking hacky, but whatever.
+				var/obj/machinery/computer/HolodeckControl/HC = locate() in world
+				if(istype(HC) && HC.safety) //If the computer exists, and the safety is active...
+					if(prob(25))
+						add_blood(G.affecting)
+						H.halloss += rand(10, 15)
+						G.assailant.visible_message("\red \The [G.assailant] smashes \the [H]'s head on \the [src] with enough force to engage \the [src]'s safeties!",\
+						"\red You smash \the [H]\s head on \the [src] with enough force to engage \the [src]'s safeties!",\
+						"\red You hear a whine as \the [src]'s engage.")
+					else
+						H.halloss += rand(5, 10)
+						G.assailant.visible_message("\red \The [G.assailant] smashes \the [H]'s head on \the [src]!",\
+						"\red You smash \the [H]\s head on \the [src]!",\
+						"\red You hear a whine as \the [src]'s is hit by something dense.")
+					H.UpdateDamageIcon()
+					H.updatehealth()
+					playsound(src.loc, 'punch1.ogg', 50, 1, -3)
+				else //Lets do REAL DAMAGE, YEAH!
+					G.affecting.attack_log += text("\[[time_stamp()]\] <font color='orange'>Has been smashed on a table by [G.assailant.name] ([G.assailant.ckey])</font>")
+					G.assailant.attack_log += text("\[[time_stamp()]\] <font color='red'>Smashed [G.affecting.name] ([G.affecting.ckey]) on a table.</font>")
+
+					log_admin("ATTACK: [G.assailant] ([G.assailant.ckey]) smashed [G.affecting] ([G.affecting.ckey]) on a table.")
+					message_admins("ATTACK: [G.assailant] ([G.assailant.ckey]) smashed [G.affecting] ([G.affecting.ckey]) on a table.")
+					log_attack("<font color='red'>[G.assailant] ([G.assailant.ckey]) smashed [G.affecting] ([G.affecting.ckey]) on a table.</font>")
+					if(prob(25))
+						add_blood(G.affecting)
+						affecting.take_damage(rand(10,15), 0)
+						H.Weaken(2)
+						if(prob(20)) // One chance in 20 to DENT THE TABLE
+							affecting.take_damage(rand(0,5), 0) //Extra damage
+							if(dented)
+								G.assailant.visible_message("\red \The [G.assailant] smashes \the [H]'s head on \the [src] with enough force to further deform \the [src]!\nYou wish you could unhear that sound.",\
+								"\red You smash \the [H]\s head on \the [src] with enough force to leave another dent!\n[prob(50)?"That was a satisfying noise." : "That sound will haunt your nightmares"]",\
+								"\red You hear the nauseating crunch of bone and gristle on solid metal and the squeal of said metal deforming.")
+							else
+								dented = 1
+								G.assailant.visible_message("\red \The [G.assailant] smashes \the [H]'s head on \the [src] so hard it left a dent!\nYou wish you could unhear that sound.",\
+								"\red You smash \the [H]\s head on \the [src] with enough force to leave a dent!\n[prob(5)?"That was a satisfying noise." : "That sound will haunt your nightmares"]",\
+								"\red You hear the nauseating crunch of bone and gristle on solid metal and the squeal of said metal deforming.")
+						else if(prob(50))
+							G.assailant.visible_message("\red [G.assailant] smashes \the [G.assailant]\s head on \the [src], [H.gender == MALE? "his" : "her"] bone and cartilage making a loud crunch!",\
+							"\red You smash \the [H]\s head on \the [src], [H.gender == MALE? "his" : "her"] bone and cartilage making a loud crunch!",\
+							"\red You hear the nauseating crunch of bone and gristle on solid metal, the noise echoing through the room.")
+						else
+							G.assailant.visible_message("\red [G.assailant] smashes \the [G.assailant]\s head on \the [src], [H.gender == MALE? "his" : "her"] nose smashed and face bloodied!",\
+							"\red You smash \the [H]\s head on \the [src], [H.gender == MALE? "his" : "her"] nose smashed and face bloodied!",\
+							"\red You hear the nauseating crunch of bone and gristle on solid metal and the gurgling gasp of someone who is trying to breathe through their own blood.")
+					else
+						affecting.take_damage(rand(5,10), 0)
+						G.assailant.visible_message("\red [G.assailant] smashes \the [H]\s head on \the [src]!",\
+						"\red You smash \the [H]\s head on \the [src]!",\
+						"\red You hear the nauseating crunch of bone and gristle on solid metal.")
+					H.UpdateDamageIcon()
+					H.updatehealth()
+					playsound(src.loc, 'punch1.ogg', 50, 1, -3)
 			return
 		G.affecting.loc = src.loc
 		G.affecting.Weaken(5)
diff --git a/code/game/machinery/newscaster.dm b/code/game/machinery/newscaster.dm
index cc9f98ef659..0670ee2f25a 100644
--- a/code/game/machinery/newscaster.dm
+++ b/code/game/machinery/newscaster.dm
@@ -677,10 +677,6 @@ var/list/obj/machinery/newscaster/allCasters = list() //list that will contain r
 	var/scribble=""
 	var/scribble_page = null
 
-/*obj/item/weapon/newspaper/attack_hand(mob/user as mob)
-	..()
-	world << "derp"*/
-
 obj/item/weapon/newspaper/attack_self(mob/user as mob)
 	if(ishuman(user))
 		var/mob/living/carbon/human/human_user = user
diff --git a/code/game/objects/tables_racks.dm b/code/game/objects/tables_racks.dm
index 57fecf8889d..b6a2db14b45 100644
--- a/code/game/objects/tables_racks.dm
+++ b/code/game/objects/tables_racks.dm
@@ -159,14 +159,37 @@ TABLE AND RACK OBJECT INTERATIONS
 
 				var/mob/living/carbon/human/H = G.affecting
 				var/datum/organ/external/affecting = H.get_organ("head")
-				affecting.take_damage(4, 0)
+				if(prob(25))
+					add_blood(G.affecting)
+					affecting.take_damage(rand(10,15), 0)
+					H.Weaken(2)
+					if(prob(20)) // One chance in 20 to DENT THE TABLE
+						affecting.take_damage(rand(0,5), 0) //Extra damage
+						if(dented)
+							G.assailant.visible_message("\red \The [G.assailant] smashes \the [H]'s head on \the [src] with enough force to further deform \the [src]!\nYou wish you could unhear that sound.",\
+							"\red You smash \the [H]\s head on \the [src] with enough force to leave another dent!\n[prob(50)?"That was a satisfying noise." : "That sound will haunt your nightmares"]",\
+							"\red You hear the nauseating crunch of bone and gristle on solid metal and the squeal of said metal deforming.")
+						else
+							dented = 1
+							G.assailant.visible_message("\red \The [G.assailant] smashes \the [H]'s head on \the [src] so hard it left a dent!\nYou wish you could unhear that sound.",\
+							"\red You smash \the [H]\s head on \the [src] with enough force to leave a dent!\n[prob(5)?"That was a satisfying noise." : "That sound will haunt your nightmares"]",\
+							"\red You hear the nauseating crunch of bone and gristle on solid metal and the squeal of said metal deforming.")
+					else if(prob(50))
+						G.assailant.visible_message("\red [G.assailant] smashes \the [G.assailant]\s head on \the [src], [H.gender == MALE? "his" : "her"] bone and cartilage making a loud crunch!",\
+						"\red You smash \the [H]\s head on \the [src], [H.gender == MALE? "his" : "her"] bone and cartilage making a loud crunch!",\
+						"\red You hear the nauseating crunch of bone and gristle on solid metal, the noise echoing through the room.")
+					else
+						G.assailant.visible_message("\red [G.assailant] smashes \the [G.assailant]\s head on \the [src], [H.gender == MALE? "his" : "her"] nose smashed and face bloodied!",\
+						"\red You smash \the [H]\s head on \the [src], [H.gender == MALE? "his" : "her"] nose smashed and face bloodied!",\
+						"\red You hear the nauseating crunch of bone and gristle on solid metal and the gurgling gasp of someone who is trying to breathe through their own blood.")
+				else
+					affecting.take_damage(rand(5,10), 0)
+					G.assailant.visible_message("\red [G.assailant] smashes \the [H]\s head on \the [src]!",\
+					"\red You smash \the [H]\s head on \the [src]!",\
+					"\red You hear the nauseating crunch of bone and gristle on solid metal.")
 				H.UpdateDamageIcon()
 				H.updatehealth()
 				playsound(src.loc, 'punch1.ogg', 50, 1, -3)
-				src.add_blood(G.affecting)
-				for(var/mob/O in viewers(world.view, src))
-					if (O.client)
-						O << text("\red [] smashes []'s head on the table!", G.assailant, G.affecting)
 			return
 		G.affecting.loc = src.loc
 		G.affecting.Weaken(5)