general@=because $HE flipped off the boss' dog@,because $HE made fun of the boss' cat's hobbies@,to send a message about not paying protection money@,as we need to replace $HIS position with an agent@,as a paid hit@,as they are suspected for leaking syndicate secrets to Nanotrasen@,as they have proven resistant to recruitment efforts@,because $HE gave us fake company secrets@,because $HE farted on one of our agents@,because $HIS head contains the key@,before it's too late@,to send their relatives a message@,because $HE is not who $HE pretends to be@,for failing to keep Gnome Chompski safe@,to prove your loyalty to the syndicate@,as a test of your skill@,for being loyal to NanoTrasen@,because $HE is awaiting bloodline termination@,because $HE is actually a double agent@,because $HE failed to stir uprest@,because $HE failed to subvert the AI@,because $HE kept discovering our listening outpost@,because $HE stole our nuclear bomb@,and make sure it's done messily@,and make it hurt@,because $HE kept spouting bad memes@,and ensure they never find the body@,and make it look like an accident@,and bring a part of them back on the shuttle as evidence@,as they are a vital part of operation #228C-4X@,because #yolo@,because we never forget@,and send $HIS body into space@,and blame it on the clown@,and bring them back to life so you can do it again@,and sell $HIS bodyparts to D.O.C@,and stick $HIS head on a pole as a trophy@,and make sure $HE will never be cloned again@,and do not get caught in the act@,and make sure nobody will miss $HIM@,and make sure the entire station knows you did this@,and make sure $HIS organs are all over the station@,and make sure $HIS brains are food for the crew@,and make sure $HE is turned into food@,and make sure $HE is turned into a lizard@,and make sure $HE is turned into a monkey@,and make sure you steal $HIS money@,to prove the syndicate will never forget@,to prove the syndicate can just do it@,to prove nanotrasen can't stop us@,without using a weapon, because you are too cool for weapons@,by tossing $HIM out of a airlock@,by sending a lynchmob after $HIM@,and feed $HIS remains to Shitty Bill@,and make sure Shitty Bill sees it happen@,and make it look like $HE did this to $HIMSELF@,and make it look like suicide@,and make sure the other $JOB's see it happen@,because the only good $JOB is a dead $JOB@,for making the $JOB job look too good on paper@,for trying to take the $JOB job@,because being a $JOB isn't $HIS thing@,and regain your rightful position as the true $JOB@,and make it known to the station that $HE isnt the best $JOB@,because $HE is the worst $JOB around@,because $HE makes the other $JOBs look bad@,because $HE tried to learn more about the syndicate@,because $HE discovered the secret@,because $HE tried to trick one of our agents@,and make sure you tell $HIM that its a prank!
captain@=for having the disk@,because $HE is a person of principles and standards@,for rejecting a bribe@,because $HE does nothing but getting drunk@,as without a leader, the station will quickly fall into disarray@,and make sure you give $HIS ID to the clown@,dressed as the clown to ensure the feud lives on
headofpersonnel@=for failing to hand over all access to the clown@,because $HE keeps handing over all access to the clown@,since $HE stole the entire station budget to buy bees without giving us the usual cut@,for failing to steal the entire station budget@,for always ending up off the station@,and make sure $HE is poor@,and make sure you send a lynch mob after $HIM@,and make sure nobody will ever become another $JOB
headofsecurity@=in preparation of a major syndicate operation in this sector@,to cripple station morale@,as they are likely the only competent combatant on the station@,since $HE didn't allow one of our agents to enter the armory@,for refusing to take a selfie with the boss@,and make sure you make a mess of $HIS office@,and make sure you space the contents of the armory@,and make sure you spend $HIS hard earned money on bees@,for $HIS incorrect choice of headwear@,as a personal favour to a retired TURDS operative
chiefengineer@=for threatening the fabric of reality with their engine experiments@,for correctly shielding the station from an overloaded engine@,and make sure the engine is never started, or destroyed@,for not agreeing to sell us power@,for outphasing the singularity for a safer, more efficient engine@,for being a solar power hippie
researchdirector@=to prevent $HIM from reporting research's latest findings@,so that the Nanotrasen special weapons research will be slowed down@,for spending the entire research budget on anime@,on behalf of $HIS rival@,and kidnap Heisenbee@,for sharing secret chemistry recipes@,for exploding one of our agents into a shower of hair and piracy@,by sending $HIM into the lava
medicaldirector@=for impersonating a Head of Staff to confuse our revolutionary efforts@,on behalf of $HIS rival@,for failing to hand over HeadSurgeon@,for refusing to engineer a virus for the syndicate@,because $HE cut the heart out of one of our agents
securityofficer@=for arresting one of our agents@,because $HE flipped off one of our agents@,for writing a highly offensive ticket@,and, if possible, assume $HIS identity to disrupt station operations@,and ticket $HIM after for unauthorized death on the job@,with $HIS own stun baton, if possible
detective@=for getting too close@,for drinking the boss under the table@,for breaking out of VR@,to cover up one of our previous hits@,to R&D a better set of Thermal Goggles@,because $HE gets results, dammit@,and make it look like $HE shot $HIMSELF with $HIS own gun
geneticist@=since $HE turned one of our agents into a lizard@,since $HE didn't turn one of our agents into a lizard@,to halt the distressing spread of anime hair@,messily. This should be easy as Geneticists never look around@,to ensure that nobody is ever cloned again@,then fill them with mutadone, just to be sure@,then turn them into a lizard@,then turn them into a monkey@,and fool the crew into thinking that $HE mutated $HIMSELF
roboticist@=for stealing the butt of one of our agents@,for failing to emag a cyborg@,as a first step in a long-term plot to subvert the AI
scientist@=for failing to synthesize nerve agents@,for failing to hand over the secret recipe to ammonia@,for synthesizing nerve agents@,for inventing simethicone@,for inventing fartonium@,for stealing our keys@,for stealing our security dongle@,for stealing everything not nailed down (and not giving it to us)@,for breaking into our satelite@,because $HE lured one of our agents into wearing the crown@,because $HE keeps synthesizing parrots
medicaldoctor@=for failing to save the life of one of our agents@,for successfully saving the lives of many crewmembers@,for knowing how to operate the cloning machine@,for practicing surgery on several dead or unwilling agents@,and make sure you take out the cloner in the process
quartermaster@=because $HE has been taking a closer look at some of our crate depots@,to prevent them from making a dent in our profits@,and make sure $HE gets slammed by a crate@,and make sure you have a MULEBOT drive over $HIM
miner@=for stealing our secure crates@,before $HE discovers our Listening Post in the asteroid belt@,because $HE discovered a new alloy@,for stealing the design of OUR command armor
mechanic@=to impede Nanotrasen signal monitoring operations@,because $HE keeps jailbreaking PDAs@,to prevent $HIM from arming the crew@,because $HE keeps spamming our PDAs@,because $HE failed to blow up a PDA@,to ensure that nobody ever learns the terrible secret of the control unit@,to ensure $HE never tells anyone about the secret
engineer@=to strike a blow to station efficiency by keeping the engine offline@,for blowing up the engine@,for failing to blow up the engine@,because $HE killed one of our agents with the PTL@,because $HE keeps talking about how great solar power is
chef@=as payback for giving the boss a bad case of food poisoning@,on behalf of a monkey rights group@,for managing to murder one of our agents with a cake@,in hopes that we will starve out the crew@,to encourage Discount Dan's consumption among the crew@,because $HE failed to poison the crew@,and make sure $HE gets food poisoning in the process@,and feed $HIM to the crew@,for making bad food@,and turn $HIM into food
barman@=because $HE got one of our agents too drunk to function@,because $HE set one of our agents on fire@,since $HE isn't keeping up with the monthly payments for $HIS new shotgun@,because $HE failed to make vodka out of the last disposed body@,because $HE got one of our agents drunk on vodka and apple juice@,because $HE served a martini stirred, not shaken@,and make sure $HE gets utterly drunk in the process@,and make sure $HE is the next big drink
botanist@=because $HE knows about The Handbook@,to stem the flow of morale-improving bees@,to re-establish our weed monopoly in the sector@,for outcompeting us with cheaper, superior drugs@,for failing to supply us with drugs@,and make sure to turn $HIS body parts into food@,and make sure you turn $HIM into a bee@,as $HE failed to make a money tree@,as $HE failed to destroy the captain's bonsai tree@,as $HE gave chainsaws to the monkeys
janitor@=as $HE isn't keeping up with the monthly payments for $HIS new Buff-R-Matic@,because $HE keeps slipping our agents@,for failing to properly dispose a body@,and make sure $HE slips out of a airlock@,not cleaning the mess made by one of our operatives@,because $HE keeps making a mess
chaplain@=because $HE stole the bodies of one of our agents for a funeral@,because $HE lured one of our agents into farting on the bible@,for never being around when $HE is actually needed@,for spreading heretical anti-syndicate beliefs@,for not turning a blind eye to our body-disposal requirements@,as $HE heard something incriminating during a confession@,because the lord told you $HE is bad at being a $JOB
staffassistant@=to keep security guessing about our real goals@,and return the bosses shoes@,for failing to assist one of our agents@,because $HE keeps selling our goods at the market@,because $HE failed to donate $HIS butt@,because $HE farted on the clown@,because $HE tried to play tag with Beepsky and won@,because $HE failed to keep security busy@,and make sure the entire crew can see $HIS face when it happens@,and teach $HIS family a lesson
clown@=as a request from the mimes@,since $HE isn't keeping up with the monthly payments for $HIS new Clown Car@,as a prank@,for having murdered countless numbers of our agents@,for not being funny@,for being too funny@,for stealing the nuke@,for ruining the boss' last birthday party@,for being terrifying. I mean, goddamn.@,because $HE looked at us funny@,because $HE stole one of our agents in $HIS new clown car@,on request from the boss, since they have that fear of clowns@,for taking $HIS shoes off@,for taking $HIS mask off to breathe@,for being a shameful clown@,for trying to be funny@,and make sure you make it look funny@,and make sure its a prank@,and make sure $HE doesnt laugh in the process@,dressed as the captain to ensure the feud lives on@,because $HE isnt as cool as the blue clown@,because $HE isnt as cool as the green clown@,and make sure you give $HIM a balloon filled with chemicals
headsurgeon@=as a favor to Markov Shane@,for impersonating a cardboard box@,for being rude to one of our agents@,and make sure you store $HIS body parts in a cardboard box@,for being a sentient markov-chain bot
hollywoodactor@=as promotion for $HIS next movie@,because $HE failed to perform well in $HIS latest movie@,because $HE refused to act in anti-NT propaganda film@,and make sure you end $HIS career@,and defame $HIM publically
vip@=because $HE is a very important person@,because $HE thinks $HE is a very important person@,because $HE is actually a spy@,because $HE is a retired agent@,and make sure there is a lot of drama involved@,because $HE got into the night club while we could not
senator@=because $HE is a bad senator
president@=because $HE failed to pay protection money@,because $HE was late to the meeting@,because $HE didn't have sexual relations with that woman@,and make sure drugs are found on $HIS corpse@,, sic semper tyrannis
ceo@=because $HE failed to invest in us
boardmember@=because $HE failed to get us on the board
mayor@=because $HE did not surrender $HIS city as "suggested"
vicepresident@=, sic semper vice-tyrannis
governor@=for passing anti-syndicate space laws
inspector@=in order to keep incompetence levels high@,to get the station shut down by the authorities@,and make sure the station gets a F on it's inspection report
regionaldirector@=to deny NT $HIS amazing mid- to upper level management plans@,and try to frame a head of staff for the murder
diplomat@=in hopes of provoking a war between Nanotrasen and $HIS people@,because $HE voted against a Syndicate proposal in the Space UN assembly@,and frame an Alien species for it, if at all possible
testsubject@=for trying to argue with the chef@,for not wanting to become food@,for somehow writing a Shakespeare play on $HIS own@,and make sure $HE will never trust any monkey again
musician@=for making bad music@,because $HE made one of our agents permanently deaf@,for hooking the Boss's daughter on cat drugs@,for playing syndicate censored jazz music@,because I liked $HIS early stuff better / because $HIS earlier stuff was better@,and make sure $HE feels bad
unionrep@=for inspiring $HIS members to actually do their job@,for failing to rouse $HIS members into a mob@,and make sure $HE is lynched
salesman@=because $HE kept selling our warez@,because $HE kept selling us buggy warez@,and make sure you sell $HIS posessions@,because $HE claimed the VW Type 2 $HE sold us was infact an adminbus
coach@=and make sure the coachee believes Nanotrasen was behind it@,for giving the boss' kid an F@,for having unrealistic beauty standards about the bosses wife
journalist@=for exposing a Syndicate spy ring@,writing a damning article on our business practices@,writing a glamorous article on the head of security // Perfect!@,swaying public opinion in Nanotrasen's favour@,because really it's about ethics in space journalism@,for not leaving britney spears alone@,and make sure you write a bad article about $HIM
apiculturist@=to reduce crew morale because they're all so obsessed with those bees@,and acquire $HIS bees@,and make sure the bees kill $HIM
souschef@=because how hard is it to poach an egg properly@,because nobody should be serving grade F meat@,and pin the whole murder on the Chef, if available@,for undercooking a beef
waiter@=for spilling soup on the boss@,for snootiness@,because 20% is not "just appropriate"@,and make sure you spill hot soup on $HIM@,and don't keep $HIM waitin'
pharmacist@=as $HE loudly confirmed the boss' order so everyone could hear@,for refusing to hand over crank to the boss
boxer@=for knocking out one of our agents@,for not taking a fall as $HE was told@,and bring us $HIS heart
lawyer@=for not managing to keep our agents out of the brig@,for successfully suing the boss
barber@=because $HE made one of our agents bald@,because $HE gave one of our agents a silly haircut@,because $HE grew a fake moustache@,as revenge for giving you a shitty lizard-shaped haircut@,because $HE refused to give you liberty spikes
mailman@=because $HE failed to mail a bomb@,for mailing a bomb to our office@,for revealing syndicate messages to the crew@,for misplacing one of our mail bombs@,for mishandling the boss' new figurine
atmospherictechnician@=because $HE failed to flood the station with plasma@,and make it look like a work-related accident
tourist@=because $HE kept taking selfies with one of our agents@,because $HE failed to hand $HIS camera over@,for taking an important piece of equipment as a "souvenir"@,for not buying anything in the gift shop on $HIS way out@,and make sure you take a picture or two
viceofficer@=because we have a good thing going with the Botanists and don't need $HIS meddling@,because $HE failed to pay for protection