diff --git a/code/citadel/crew_objectives/cit_crewobjectives_security.dm b/code/citadel/crew_objectives/cit_crewobjectives_security.dm
index b453bd8633..d0e2443591 100644
--- a/code/citadel/crew_objectives/cit_crewobjectives_security.dm
+++ b/code/citadel/crew_objectives/cit_crewobjectives_security.dm
@@ -2,17 +2,6 @@
 
 /datum/objective/crew/headofsecurity/
 
-/datum/objective/crew/headofsecurity/justicecrew
-	explanation_text = "Ensure there are no innocent crew members in the brig when the shift ends."
-
-/datum/objective/crew/headofsecurity/justicecrew/check_completion()
-	if(owner.current)
-		for(var/datum/mind/M in SSticker.minds)
-			if(M.current && isliving(M.current))
-				if(!M.special_role && !M.assigned_role == "Security Officer" && !M.assigned_role == "Detective" && !M.assigned_role == "Head of Security" && !M.assigned_role == "Lawyer" && !M.assigned_role == "Warden" && get_area(M.current) != typesof(/area/security))
-					return 0
-		return 1
-
 /datum/objective/crew/headofsecurity/datfukkendisk //Ported from old Hippie
 	explanation_text = "Defend the nuclear authentication disk at all costs, and be the one to personally deliver it to Centcom."
 
@@ -22,44 +11,99 @@
 	else
 		return 0
 
+/datum/objective/crew/headofsecurity/enjoyyourstay
+	explanation_text = "Welcome to Space Station 13. Enjoy your stay."
+
+/datum/objective/crew/headofsecurity/enjoyyourstay/New()
+	. = ..()
+	update_explanation_text()
+
+/datum/objective/crew/headofsecurity/enjoyyourstay/update_explanation_text()
+	. = ..()
+	var/list/edglines = list("Welcome to Space Station 13. Enjoy your stay.", "You signed up for this.", "Abandon hope.", "The tide's gonna stop eventually.", "Hey, someone's gotta do it.", "No, you can't resign.")
+	explanation_text = pick(edglines)
+
+/datum/objective/crew/headofsecurity/enjoyyourstay/check_completion()
+	explanation_text = "Enforce Space Law at all costs."
+	if(owner.current)
+		var/mob/living/carbon/human/H = owner.current
+		var/obj/item/card/id/theID = H.get_idcard()
+		if(istype(theID))
+			if(!H.get_assignment() == "Head of Security")
+				return 0
+	return 1
+
 /datum/objective/crew/securityofficer/
 
-/datum/objective/crew/securityofficer/justicecrew
-	explanation_text = "Ensure there are no innocent crew members in the brig when the shift ends."
+/datum/objective/crew/securityofficer/enjoyyourstay
+	explanation_text = "Welcome to Space Station 13. Enjoy your stay."
 
-/datum/objective/crew/securityofficer/justicecrew/check_completion()
+/datum/objective/crew/securityofficer/enjoyyourstay/New()
+	. = ..()
+	update_explanation_text()
+
+/datum/objective/crew/securityofficer/enjoyyourstay/update_explanation_text()
+	. = ..()
+	var/list/edglines = list("Welcome to Space Station 13. Enjoy your stay.", "You signed up for this.", "Abandon hope.", "The tide's gonna stop eventually.", "Hey, someone's gotta do it.", "No, you can't resign.")
+	explanation_text = pick(edglines)
+
+/datum/objective/crew/securityofficer/enjoyyourstay/check_completion()
+	explanation_text = "Enforce Space Law at all costs."
 	if(owner.current)
-		for(var/datum/mind/M in SSticker.minds)
-			if(M.current && isliving(M.current))
-				if(!M.special_role && !M.assigned_role == "Security Officer" && !M.assigned_role == "Detective" && !M.assigned_role == "Head of Security" && !M.assigned_role == "Lawyer" && !M.assigned_role == "Warden" && get_area(M.current) != typesof(/area/security))
-					return 0
-		return 1
+		var/mob/living/carbon/human/H = owner.current
+		var/obj/item/card/id/theID = H.get_idcard()
+		if(istype(theID))
+			if(!H.get_assignment() == "Security Officer")
+				return 0
+	return 1
 
 /datum/objective/crew/warden/
 
-/datum/objective/crew/warden/justicecrew
-	explanation_text = "Ensure there are no innocent crew members in the brig when the shift ends."
+/datum/objective/crew/warden/enjoyyourstay
+	explanation_text = "Welcome to Space Station 13. Enjoy your stay."
 
-/datum/objective/crew/warden/justicecrew/check_completion()
+/datum/objective/crew/warden/enjoyyourstay/New()
+	. = ..()
+	update_explanation_text()
+
+/datum/objective/crew/warden/enjoyyourstay/update_explanation_text()
+	. = ..()
+	var/list/edglines = list("Welcome to Space Station 13. Enjoy your stay.", "You signed up for this.", "Abandon hope.", "The tide's gonna stop eventually.", "Hey, someone's gotta do it.", "No, you can't resign.")
+	explanation_text = pick(edglines)
+
+/datum/objective/crew/warden/enjoyyourstay/check_completion()
+	explanation_text = "Enforce Space Law at all costs."
 	if(owner.current)
-		for(var/datum/mind/M in SSticker.minds)
-			if(M.current && isliving(M.current))
-				if(!M.special_role && !M.assigned_role == "Security Officer" && !M.assigned_role == "Detective" && !M.assigned_role == "Head of Security" && !M.assigned_role == "Lawyer" && !M.assigned_role == "Warden" && get_area(M.current) != typesof(/area/security))
-					return 0
-		return 1
+		var/mob/living/carbon/human/H = owner.current
+		var/obj/item/card/id/theID = H.get_idcard()
+		if(istype(theID))
+			if(!H.get_assignment() == "Warden")
+				return 0
+	return 1
 
 /datum/objective/crew/detective/
 
-/datum/objective/crew/detective/justicecrew
-	explanation_text = "Ensure there are no innocent crew members in the brig when the shift ends."
+/datum/objective/crew/detective/enjoyyourstay
+	explanation_text = "Welcome to Space Station 13. Enjoy your stay."
 
-/datum/objective/crew/detective/justicecrew/check_completion()
+/datum/objective/crew/detective/enjoyyourstay/New()
+	. = ..()
+	update_explanation_text()
+
+/datum/objective/crew/detective/enjoyyourstay/update_explanation_text()
+	. = ..()
+	var/list/edglines = list("Welcome to Space Station 13. Enjoy your stay.", "You signed up for this.", "Abandon hope.", "The tide's gonna stop eventually.", "Hey, someone's gotta do it.", "No, you can't resign.", "Well, at least you know fashion.")
+	explanation_text = pick(edglines)
+
+/datum/objective/crew/detective/enjoyyourstay/check_completion()
+	explanation_text = "Enforce Space Law at all costs."
 	if(owner.current)
-		for(var/datum/mind/M in SSticker.minds)
-			if(M.current && isliving(M.current))
-				if(!M.special_role && !M.assigned_role == "Security Officer" && !M.assigned_role == "Detective" && !M.assigned_role == "Head of Security" && !M.assigned_role == "Lawyer" && !M.assigned_role == "Warden" && get_area(M.current) != typesof(/area/security))
-					return 0
-		return 1
+		var/mob/living/carbon/human/H = owner.current
+		var/obj/item/card/id/theID = H.get_idcard()
+		if(istype(theID))
+			if(!H.get_assignment() == "Detective")
+				return 0
+	return 1
 
 /datum/objective/crew/lawyer/